Toxic Positivity
Toxic Positivity
All of this is real, evidence-based positivity. But there is a growing culture at the moment which I think perpetuates a darker side to positivity. You might have recognised it already; the overuse of ineffective platitudes. There’s a lot of it on social media, especially at the moment. Here there is a blanket assumption that happiness and positivity is the same for everyone, and the idea that we should just be able to change how we feel the moment someone tells us to.
At a certain point, this type of “positivity” becomes a silencing tool. Our voices are silenced by it, it perpetuates shame and minimises authentic human experiences. Have you ever tried to tell someone about something that’s worrying/upsetting/difficult for you, only to be met with “well, everything happens for a reason”, “it’ll all work out fine”, “you have to think positively” or any sentence that starts with “well, at least…”. If you’ve come away from a conversation feeling dismissed or like you’ve been a burden to someone by sharing feelings that aren’t shiny and happy - you’ve probably been affected by toxic positivity.
These phrases are often shared by well-meaning people; especially on social media. The thing is, sharing those vapid, ineffective phrases on social media means that whole swathes of people absorb these careless, empty words and probably feel much worse for it. When people gloss over something human with “it’ll all work out” or “happiness is a choice”, it totally invalidates our (very valid and real) experience.
By rejecting all things not-so-shiny, we write off a pretty significant portion of the whole range of normal human emotions. An inherent part of life is struggle. We need the struggle in order to feel joy in its absence. The feelings that come with these struggles help us process and understand ourselves. Avoiding or ignoring difficult emotions means we lose so much information - about ourselves, how we process, what we’re affected by, how we work in general and about the situations we are in. Without feelings, how do we know what we’re scared of; what we perceive as a threat? Fear is felt for a reason. When we acknowledge our fear, we can choose what to do with it. If you’re sad about saying goodbye to someone, then that person and the experiences you’ve had with them have probably been meaningful to you. If you’re terrified of giving that work presentation, you probably care about how you’re perceived by others. These don’t always need to be evaluated or changed, but it’s useful to know them.
Being a healthy person involves being aware of ourselves. Ideally, our sense of self; our sense of how we present ourselves to others; and the reality of how we come across to others, will all be completely aligned. This all involves being conscious of ourselves and others, and how we relate to the world. So, I’m giving myself permission to feel all my feelings. Give yourself permission to feel everything too. If you need to talk about your feelings (as we very often do) in order to get a better grasp on them or process them more fully, find someone who will listen to you to understand, not just to respond. If all else fails, send me an email.