How to live in line with your values

Identify your core values and learn how to live by them to build greater happiness. 

It’s really easy sometimes to catch ourselves going through life without paying much attention. We just move from one thing to the next; working, eating, scrolling on our phones, without considering whether our actions reflect our core values. 

Why Do Values Matter?

When we go through life without following our values, we can lose ourselves and our ability to generate real happiness and meaning. When we understand our values, we can then work towards living more harmoniously with ourselves. Our values manifest what matters to us and we experience greater coherence when we make choices that are in line with our values; so that we do more, and live more in line with what matters.

On the other hand, if we don’t know what our values are, we risk making choices that we don’t find meaningful, or fulfilling. We might struggle with our relationships. And if we don’t know what our values are, the more we try to change things to get out of these patterns or unfulfilling roles/jobs/circumstances, we may end up making more of the same type of empty decisions.

3 ways to identify Your Values

By identifying our values, we can begin to design a life that is in better alignment with our true self. If we live in line with our values, we’re living authentically. Keep in mind that values are different for everyone—you are the only one who can identify your values.

Values by category

You could try to look at values by category. So, think of each area of your life; family, health, work, well-being, leisure, friendships, personal development, spirituality/faith etc. Think of each one separately, allow it some time. How do you feel; what stirs for you in each of these categories? Do you feel tense and uneasy? Or warm and comfortable? Do you feel driven and motivated? Or more “blah”? Go in deeper to every feeling that surfaces, pay attention to your body too - did you start to feel tired when you tried to think into one of those categories? Or fidgety and restless? This may be a useful activity to bring to therapy with you, and help comb through your feelings if things aren’t quite clear, or where you’re not sure where to go with them. Generally speaking, pay close attention to each and every feeling. List the categories in order of importance or value based on your feelings that arise about them. 

Nash Popovic’s “The Pyramid of Priorities” - Here, you make a list of priorities. Everything in your life might sit in one of these categories. Then organise them into a pyramid so that the most important one is at the top. Then, you can go through each level and decide how much attention it deserves, and how much you like to ascribe it from now on. (This is taken from his book ‘Personal Synthesis’ 2005).

The good old “list of values” method - If you are really really stuck, here are a list of values below (It’s always best for you to think of your own, though, as this is more likely to bring up things that are of the most importance to you personally, and not to someone else, or something that you feel should be important, but in reality may not be for you.)

Values List:

Authenticity          Adventure              Balance

Bravery                     Compassion               Challenge

Citizenship           Community                 Creativity

Curiosity               Determination            Fairness

Freedom                   Friendships                 Fun

Generosity                Growth                        Honesty

Integrity                    Justice                        Kindness

Knowledge                Leadership                 Learning

Love                           Loyalty                        Openness

Optimism         Recognition               Respect

Responsibility           Security                     Self-Respect

Social Connection    Spirituality                Stability

Status                     Wealth                        Wisdom

Note your most important 3 or 5 values. For each of these, write down three or more actions that define what it would mean for you to live these values. For example, if you value Loyalty, actions might include forgiving a friend for a betrayal, negotiating fair treatment at work to ensure your commitment to your employer, or choosing not to engage in extramarital affairs.

Now, write down one thing you have done that does not reflect each of your top 3 to 5 values. For example, if you value Optimism, it's a more value-driven choice to think positively than to worry about the future.

Next, write down what you could do differently next time. Maybe instead of bracing for the worst, you could think about what might go right, what you might learn, or what you have to look forward to in the future. Even as you are doing this activity, you might discover that there are ways that you could live in closer alignment with your personal values. 

It may be hard to follow through on some of the actions you identified. Maybe you would need to stop drinking. Maybe you would need to change jobs. Maybe you would need to have some difficult conversations. It’s quite easy to go with the flow and lose sight of our values. It’s a lot harder to live by our values and do what’s right for ourselves in the long run. 

Living in line with your values

Hopefully by now, whichever of those methods you followed, you’ll have a list of your core values. So:

• Do you recognise yourself in these?

• How does it feel to read them?

• What kind of emotional response does each value trigger?

• Are these values being met today? If so, to what extent?

• Is the time spent on each of these proportionate to the importance you ascribe them?

• What actions could you take in order to ensure the values are met more fully?

How easy will it be to start living your values? Let’s have a look at some potential obstacles that might make it challenging to live your (for want of a different phrase) “best life”:

For each of your most important values, ask yourself 3 sets of questions and record your answers:

1. Are there any people with whom you have a difficult time living this value? Maybe your romantic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend?

2. Are there any situations that make it difficult for you to practice this value? Where are you, or what are you doing when you fail to practice these values? For example, maybe you’re at work, at home, out at a bar, on social media, in the car, or at the daycare center.

3. Is there anything else that makes it difficult for you to live your personal values? For example, maybe you live your values in the morning but not at night, when in your hometown but not on holiday, or on Monday but not Friday.

Once you’ve identified the external events that might trigger you to veer away from your core values, it’s key that you identify why these experiences affect you this way.

Look through all of the people and situations that lead you to stray from your values and ask yourself what thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations lead you to act differently than you would like to.

The emotions that trigger you may be the same across all situations, or they may be different. So just write down anything you think of that leads you away from your values. These emotions, thoughts, and associated bodily sensations are at the root of what causes us to abandon our values. 

When we act in a way that’s inconsistent with our values, we are just attempting to regulate or reduce our negative emotions, even if only temporarily. By acknowledging this and changing our habits, we can start to live in accordance with our values and improve our lives. Changing your life is never easy, but it's always worth it.